WARNING: Due To The Unfortunate Funniness Of This Website, Multiple People Have Laughed Their Heads Off. Literally. Heads Have Popped Off Their Necks.
Dell Introduces New Worlds Most Breakable Computer
May 19, By Don Evans
Last weekend, Dell was proud to introduce their new Most Breakable Computer. "Not only does this computer have all the flaws of the Dell processing system, hard drive that sometimes randomly ejects itself, and a touch-pad keyboard that rubs off in a few minutes, now, a single tap to the side of the screen causes it to fall of and break." Said the very proud CEO of the company. "I thought of that part myself." He said. This product will most definitely appeal to old HP users, as it is 56 times less breakable than their newest model
New Weirdo Watch Soon To Be Released
The new and improved Weirdo Watch
April 30, By a RR
WeirdoWatch Incorporated announced in a press conference Saturday that they would be realizing the next version of their hit watches. "Update 4.3.8 will be the best yet." says WeirdoWatch spokesperson Brian Williams. "Over the last couple days when our designers started working on update 4.3.8 for our new StalkerWatch Line of watches, we decided to actually try to give our customers quality. I mean, if they are going to pay the ridicules price of $120 for our watches, we might as well give them what the payed for. Our CEO doesn't even own one! He just sticks with his old timex."
True to his word, Williams and his team have added a big new feature to StalkerWatch 4.3.8 that keeps track of information about your friends including:
-What they are doing
-Last Time They ate, what they ate, and how much they ate
-Last crime committed
-Last person talked to
-Hopes and Dreams
-Countdown until death
WeirdoWatches is not only targeting the marketing this new watch at weirdos and stalkers, but also at normal people. "We think this watch might also appeal to normal people." says Williams "The police department of Cleveland has already pre-ordered 5,000 to track suspects of crimes and we hope the watch will also appeal like physo mothers making sure their children don't get up to any trouble. This watch will revolutionize technology! Oh yeah, it also tells time too."
Experts believe that the next big WeirdoWatch update (update 4.3.9) will come out in a few weeks.
New- Zyquarth Miracle Cold Medicine
April 13, By Reanimated Corpse of Michael Jackson
"You really should try this new cold medicine, it's very good, or should I say... bad. (In a good way, of course.) it relived nasal pressure in my plastic nose and even boosted my IQ!
3,000,000 bottles are expected to be doled out in the next three hours to crazed Jackson fans. "I knew reanimating Michael would be worth it!" Said Zyquarth CEO in an interview last Thursday."This product makes your body smile on the inside."
Side affects may include drowsiness, loss of bowel control, suicidal thoughts, loss of sanity, temporary death and/or turning into a chicken. This product does make your body smile on the inside, smiley-face shaped tumors erupt on the inside of your organs. Do not use while flying with Peter Pan... unless you want Tinkerbell to be spasmodically drawn up your anus. Other serious side effects include turning into a pizza, dinosaur, or garden rake. If you are lucky you will just be turned into a vacuum cleaner. Stop using this medicine if your bones dissolve, or you grow doubles of anything in the groin region. Do not use while teetering on the edge of a cliff and fighting an angry mountain Gorilla. Do not take if you have a want for food, eat food or have ever wanted to eat food at any time in your life. The same goes for water. Do not under any circumstances put on your cat. Other side affects include temporary loss of kidneys and /or heart. Do not use in the presence of Aquaman or while petting a seal. May cause trash cans to look like pigs and pigs to look like trash cans, and goats to look like a walrus and/or a narwhal when you least expect it. Do not take this medication if you are pregnant or it will cause your baby to grow horns and run around saying "I am the great Satan." Do not use while thinking. Do not use while not thinking. Do not use if the bluebird of happiness is near. Do not use if you are within 50 feet of a dog, a tree, a human being, or anything electronic. Also if you are taking any other medications with this, you will die. You probably anyway but that's not the point. This may cause toe loss, hair loss, face loss, and/or temporary genitals loss. Seriously, do not take this medicine.
Special News Report; 98.3% of Americans Have Patriotic Feeling At The Sight of Osama Bin Ladens Dead Body
May 6, By Smart and Important Poeple
98.3% of Americans have patriotic feelings at the sight of Osama Bin Ladens dead body. "We are not saying this is shocking, but a further 92.4% started frothing at the mouth when 300 meters away from the carcass, and when directly exposed (20 feet) to the body, 87.69% of Americans pulled out there concealed shotguns and repeatedly shot the body. " "Well, you have to admit, some people are taking this a little to far, said one of the leading phycologists in the Raddish crew, for example, 7,349 people have been burned by angry neighbors for not
1. Burning Osama's picture.
2. Stoping their " Oama death party" before 3 'o clock am.
3. Not wearing this t- shirt. (Directly Left)
Seven Year Old Quickly Rises To Fame
Carl's class yearbook photo.
May 2, By a RR
Carl Fredrickson, who lives in Chicago, Illinois, was simply delighted by his quick rise to fame. When the Raddish asked how he became so popular, so quick, he said that he had made a song about his schoolday for show and tell in his 1st grade classroom. " It went like Seven a.m., waking up in the morning , gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal seein' everything, the time is goin' tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin' gotta get down to the bus stop gotta catch my bus, I see my friends ... " And continued on and on about sitting in the front or the back, a horribly agonizing decision. Strangly this has caught on and is being sung around the country. " I always knew my son had amazing talent, in fact, I wouldn't be suprised if some jerk ripped it off and turned it into a music video." says Carl's mother.
Febreze Introduces New Justin Bieber Scent
April 28, By A RR
In a stunning press conference last Thursday, Febreze introduced there latest product, Justin Bieber scented Febreze. "We have realized our products were only appealing to women with no lives and nothing better to do, but now Febreze can easily target girls with no lives to! (Bieber fans). From the age of 3-17 extremely easily. Said the Febreze CEO. Now girs can spray their rooms, selves, mothers, and older sibling to remind them of the beloved, and to attempt to convert others. When the Raddish asked the expected revenue of this new scent, it was a shocking 50 billion in the first hour. This shockingly low number means there are much less people with no live- I mean Bieber fans. In fact, 10 billlion bottles in the first hour... I'v done better selling Girl Scout cookies.
"I Train Dogs to Sniff Each Others Private Parts... Perhaps You've Seen My Work."
April 12, By Randy Jackson
You know, I used to have a normal hobby, like stamp collecting, and rock climbing, butt then I found my life's calling, training dogs to sniff each others private parts. I know, you may think it's weird, butt, it's practically all I do now... I'm like the patron saint of buttholes. Acording to this man, he will not stop untill all dogs sniff each others butts. "I'm almost there, why stop now?" he said. When the Raddish asked him how this sort of training could support a man with a 19th century victorian mansion, several sports cars, and a marble olimpic smimming pool, he did not comment. A new search for illegal contraband in dogs anal regions is now underway.
Simple Burning: The New Cremation
March 30, By A RR (Raddish Reporter)
New studies have prove that just simply burning loved ones to a crisp after they die is the growing tradition across the world.
"It saved me thousands of dollars and tons of time!" says 94 year old Cindy Miller, of Cleveland, Ohio. "After my husband Ralph died in his sleep, I just had my neighbors come over to help me carry his body out onto the lawn and load the ground with gasoline. After that, I just got some matches and we lit him then and there. Burial is so old school. Plus, It's just another excuse to burn things! It was really fun watching the flames eat away at his intestines!" In the interest of the safety of the public, new burning sites are being established across the country.