Average Americans Now In The Minority
April 4, By Vincent Van Guy
According to recent studies, average Americans are now the minority group. The vast majority of Americans now are incredibly overweight and watch at least 12 hours of TV a day, and have an IQ of a snail. Tops. Average Americans make money, sometimes go to their jobs, and are mildly overweight, but these new Americans just sit inside. It has previously been unclear how they could survive while just sitting, but a leading scientist has found the answer. "While a normal person (Homo Sapien) Has to eat- and eat certain nutrients- to survive, this is a mutated branch of humans (Homo Couch-potato-ien) that use a form of photosynthesis from TV light to generate energy. This also causes them to become shrub-like in appearance.
April Idiots Day
April 1, By a Raddish Reporter.
Today, as many americans have come to realize, is so called "April Fool's Day". April Fools Day could have easily been named "April Idiot's Day", celebrating the millions of idiots in America. It apparently is nicer to call someone a fool than an idiot, so that is how it came to be April Fool's day. "I just love April Fools Day!" said an average citizen upon interview "It is great to have one day a year when idiots can show their true colors and be celebrated! We make fun of them all year long, and now they have a day where they can truly be the idiots they are without any help from their idiotic community.
Russia Decides To Get It Over With And Bombs Libya
March 21, By A Raddish Reporter Russia, after finally deciding it was "getting bored" of the situation in Libya, bombed the disastrous country. "We decided that it would just be better to bomb the dump" said a Russian official. "Who cares if we exterminated all the Libyan people, as long as we destroy their government, it's obviosly screwed up! We have the power, so why not use it?" The Russian, Chinese and French people are donating a good number of their citizens to help repopulate Libya after the debris is cleared. "They have oil, why not!" Said the president.
Ad: Awareness Of Child Blockheadedness
March 17, By A Raddish Reporter
Our top reporters confirmed that America has come up with yet another way to kill of the children who are the future of America: Blockheadedness. Researchers are confounded at this newfound epidemic that has swept across the nation, already killing thousands of tiny innocent children from the ages of 15 to 21. "At this rate, Blockheadedness will spread out of America and Canada to kill out all children in the world by the year 2013," says Gregory Millferd of Yale. "This unbelievably contagious virus started in Ohio when 14 year old Billy Adams tried to use a "lectric" pencil sharpener on a mechanical pencil, and the state of this country has gone downhill since."
Beiber Pulls In Yet Another Grammy
March 12, By Random Dude
Justin Bieber was ecstatic yesterday after he pulled in yet another Grammy. This time it was the "Best Female Singer Of The Year" award. "I'd like to thank all of my minion fans who would follow me off of a cliff," he said "without them, someone else might actually have a chance at this award." Next year, Justin aims for the "Highest Voice" award, and the illustrious "Best Hair" award.
My Head Just Randomly Popped Off!
March 10, By Greg Johnson
I was at the Raddish website a few days ago and was reading a hilarious news article when I literally laughed my head off. No joke. It was that funny. My head shattered when it hit the floor so the doctors had to glue it back together. Unfortunately, I live in Kansas, so my death deteriorated the population in Kansas by 25% only leaving 3 other people in the cornfield that spans the entire state. Everyone was so busy mourning my death, they missed their seasonal trip to Oz. Dorothy was devastated . Other than my death, I had a great day!
Choking On Plastic Bottle Epidemic Hits Nations Idiots Hard
March 23, By A Concered Citizen
The nations idiots are now trying to shove plastic bottles down their own throats. " At first, I thought that it was good- I mean it's kind of funny- and then there are no more idiots messing up the salad bar, and affecting the gene pool." But later, a new problem surfaced; "There's gonna be no more people to make fun of! AHHHHHHH!" said a very concerned citizen in an interview last Friday.
left- Local idiot chokes on plastic bottle.
Mubarak Throws Goodbye Party
March 10, By Egypt
After an unpredictable press conference on Friday, Hosni Mubarak, the former president of Egypt, announced he would be throwing a big goodbye party for himself.
"I will have the best clowns, bouncy castles, balloons, and party games the country of Egypt can offer," said a giddy Mubarak, " Egypt will continue to work for a Middle East that is free of strife and violence, living in harmony without the threat of terrorism or the dangers of weapons of mass destruction. I seriously don't care as long as I can have my party." All of Egypt is invited, but everyone has to pay for their own party hats. The party will take place next Sunday. Party events include Unjustly Pin the Crime on the President, throwing darts at balloons with representations of other country's on them, and burning the American flag.
Ceremonious Scraping of 20th Dead Cat Off of Driveway Still Brings Area Kid to Tears
March 12 , By Interviewer Anonymous
"We just don't understand." said the child's parents at an interview last Thursday. " I mean- sure it was sad when the first time- hearing the thump-thump of a small body under the wheels, and thinking, Oh $@#%! But this is time number twenty! You think he'd be used to it or something". Despite looking at numerous child psychology books, the confused parents have found no answer. "I guess our child is just a weakling". Said the father. Soon after, the father burst into tears- "What did I do to deserve such a kid"! He wailed. It took his wife and a SWAT team to finally calm him down.